mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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