Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
