You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think your dad took our porno
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
