had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
