**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
