They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
