I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
