two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
