Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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