just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
