this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
