I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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