Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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