did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
