I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
