I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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