On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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