when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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