Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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