My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
