Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
