anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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