remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
