There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
