you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
