The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
