i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
