im drinking this country out of the recession.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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