I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
