you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
