Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
