A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I love you. Go after that dick
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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