I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
