proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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