I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
