They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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