4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
