I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
