ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
