he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
