I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
