call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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