Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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