So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
