Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
