You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just pee around me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
