I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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