dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Text me some of your sweat
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
