just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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