My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
