I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
