How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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