my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
