we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
