Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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