Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
