Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
