You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
