I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
